Those Accursed Fried Rice Crackers!
by Roxius
Summary: Truthfully, I don't really like this story at all, but since quite a few people liked it, and I feel really bad now for doing such a thing by ending it, I want to make it up to all of you. Read the preview for the actual chapter 5! I'm sorry...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: O.O...

* * *

Tapping the side of the cardboard box, Omaeda coaxed, "C'mon...please come out. I won't hurt you..."

"NO!" squeaked a small voice from inside, "YOU'RE BIG, SCARY AND MEAN! YOU YELLED AT ME!"

"I...I said I was sorry! It was an accident! Really! I mean, you ate my fried rice crackers, though, and to me that's like a national A-level crime you just committed and...you know!" Omaeda cried, waving his hands about.

"I DON'T CARE! YOU'RE JUST...YOU'RE JUST AN UGLY FAT POOPIE-PANTS!"

"...Argh!!! She got me!"

Walking up to the disgruntled vice-captain, Ikkaku and Renji watched this odd spectacle for a moment. Then, Ikkaku spoke up and joked, "Oi, Omaeda...what seems to be the problem? Talkin' to yourself again? Or are you hitting on little girls hiding under boxes now?"

Omaeda sighed and shook his head. "No. Taichou's hiding under this box and I can't get her to come out..."

"H-Huh? You mean...Soifon's under there? But...isn't that box a little too SMALL to cover up someone like her?" Renji asked.

"Well..." Omaeda began, but then Soifon herself popped out of the box. She was much smaller than either Renji or Ikkaku remembered...much, much smaller. In fact, you could say she was now a cute little chibi version of herself. She was actually quite adorable, really. As the tiny captain of 2nd Division stared up at them with big wide eyes, Renji found himself blushing slightly for some reason.

"HEY, CAN YOU TWO PROTECT ME FROM THIS SCARY MEANIE?!" Soifon exclaimed, her voice more high-pitched and less sophisticated than before.

"I AM NOT A SCARY MEANIE, DAMMIT!" Omaeda snapped, causing Soifon to shriek and jump back underneath the cardboard box again.

Trying to regain his composure from what he had just witnessed, Ikkaku asked, "How...how the hell did she end up like THIS?!!"

Omaeda glanced at the box and the frightened little girl it contained and he sighed again. "You can blame Mayuri Kurotsuchi for this. Apparently, he switched my usual bag of beloved rice crackers with another bag that he had sprayed the crackers with some new formula he was working on; he planned on using ME as his GUINEA PIG...AND WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE, TOO! Somehow, Soifon ended up eating some of the crackers, and thus...she ended up like this. Mayuri told me he'll have an antidote finished in the next 24 hours, but I doubt he's even working on it right now...this royally sucks..."

"Hmm...why don't you just take advantage of this opportunity and have a break?" Renji suggested after a moment of thought, "You're always complaining about how she works you to the bone all the time...besides, considering what a lazy-ass bastard you are, you would probably run off the second you had the chance, anyway..."

"I suppose I would," Omaeda admitted with a nod, "But...but I can't just leave Taichou like this. I mean, with the mindset of a young girl, she could easily get herself hurt...or worse! It's up to me to protect her until the antidote is complete!"

Ikkaku was impressed. "Wow! I never thought you had it in you to actually be responsible, tubby..."

"Thanks...HEY! DON'T CALL ME TUBBY, YOU BASTARD!"

Poking her head out of the box, Soifon whimpered, "...I don't like this place...I wanna be with Yoruichi-mama..."

"WELL, YOU CAN'T! SO STOP WHINING!" Omaeda snapped.

"Hey, man, you can't talk to a child like that! You need to be calm, patient and understanding! If you treat them like trash, then you'll make them feel like their trash, and then they'll start crying, and we'll have to call the police on you!" Renji shouted at Omaeda furiously.

"WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!" Omaeda cried, "IT'S NOT LIKE I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF CHILDREN!"

Although it was obviously apparent that Omaeda had no experience whatsoever in dealing with young and energetic children, Ikkaku and Renji both knew someone who did...

* * *

"...Uh, hello..." Omaeda said nervously, holding up his palm in a wave.

Kenpachi Zaraki let out a grunt, and Yachiru happily waving back at the 2nd-Division Vice-Captain while sucking on a lollipop.

"...What do you want?" Kenpachi snarled.

Omaeda let out a shriek, but quickly regained his composure. He then grabbed little Soifon by the side,s held her up to Kenpachi's face, and said, "I need help learning how to take care of...this."

Kenpachi was so surprised by what he was seeing he had to lift up his eyepatch just to make sure he wasn't actually going blind. "Oh...oh my god...don't...don't tell me...you..."

"...Huh?"

"YOU...YOU AND SOIFON HAD A CHILD?!!" Kenpachi cried in horror.

"HOLY CRAP NO! THIS **_IS _**SOIFON!" Omaeda replied, although now he was rather interested in what a child birthed from a relationship between him and Soifon-taichou would actually look like...

After explaining the whole situation to Kenpachi, the spiky-haired, eyepatch-wearing scoundrel seemed to understand Omaeda's dilemma.

"So...you need to take care of little Soifon for 24 hours until the antidote is finished, but you have no idea how to take care of children...that's the gist of it?"

"Yes! Yes! That's it exactly! Please help me, wonderful ogre of the cosmos!"

Ignoring that weird new nickname he's been given, Kenpachi stood up and nodded. "Fine, I'll help ya...but I have a question first."

"W-What could it be?"

"Tell me...did you get rid of those fried rice crackers with the chemical after Soifon transformed?"

Omaeda thought about it. He thought about it for so logn, Kenpachi had to smack him across the face. "C'MON, TELL ME THE GODDAMN ANSWER!"

Suddenly, a tiny Momo Hinamori ran by, followed by an even smaller Toshiro Hitsugaya, and finally a very young Rangiku Matsumoto, who appeared to actually be very drunk.

"I...I guess not."

"IDIOT!!!"


	2. Chapter 2

_Continuing right where we left off...Also, you will eventually learn that any fic of mine concerning Omaeda will probably have 'Fried Rice Crackers' somewhere in the title or plotline..._

"YAAAY! NEW PLAYMATES!" Yachiru exclaimed happily. Hopping off of Kenny's back, she happily ran after the other chibified baby Soul Reapers, who were now dashing off in opposite directions all around the Soul Society city.

Kenpachi and Omaeda were both quiet for a moment.

"OH CRAP! THIS IS BAD!" Omaeda cried out.

"YOU THINK?! HOW THE HELL DID THEY ALL END UP EATING THOSE ACCURSED FRIED RICE CRACKERS, ANYWAY?!" Kenpachi snapped back at him.

Suddenly, a high-pitched cackle came from behind them. Spinning around, Omaeda and Kenpachi saw Mayuri Kurotsuchi chuckling at their distress. Oddly enough, he was holding hands with a little Nemu, who was sucking on her thumb with a bored expression on her face.

"Ha ha ha! Do you like it?! They're cute, right?!" Mayuri snickered.

Striking a somewhat-cool pose, Omaeda exclaimed, "MAYURI, YOU BASTARD! YOU WERE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!"

"Uh...we knew that already, dumbass." Kenpachi commented.

Mayuri licked his lips with his long tongue and chuckled, "I've decided to use all of Soul Society as my subjects for my newest experiment: THE CHIBIFIER!"

"The...The Chibifier?!"

"Yes, the Chibifier! It turns any who digests the chemical into becoming cute little chibi versions of themselves! It's the pinnacle of my mad scientisticity!"

"...Is that even a word?"

"I SAY IT IS, SO IT IS! SUCK THAT...BITCH!"

Rubbing his forehead in annoyance, Kenpachi grunted, "So, you don't plan on turning anyone back at all, huh?"

Mayuri nodded. "That's exactly it! Bonus points for you, bitch!"

"Please don't call me that...but dude, you have a baby fetish, don't you? I mean, your bankai thing has a giant baby head, right?"

"YES...YES, I DO! AND BOY, DO I HATE MYSELF BECAUSE OF IT!"

Suddenly, Mayuri felt something tug on his robes. Glancing down, he saw chibi Soifon staring back up at him with big wide eyes.

'OH YEAH, I FORGOT SHE WAS STILL HERE!' Omaeda thought. He was really shocked by this fact for some reason.

"You...you did this to me, mister?" Soifon asked, cocking her head to the side.

"YES! YES I DID!" Mayuri boasted.

Then, Soifon leaped up to being at the same height as Mayuri's face, and she landed a powerful spin-kick to his face. "MOTHER...FUCKER!!!"

Blood spurt out of Mayuri's mouth as he was sent flying into the wall, and Nemu just watched this whole scene while still sucking her thumb.

Landing back on her feet, Soifon snarled and exclaimed, "I'LL TEACH YOU FOR MESSING WITH ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"I KNOW THOSE CRUEL, VIOLENT WORDS LIKE I WAS BORN WITH THEM!" Omaeda cried, so happy that he was weeping, "TAICHOU...YOU'RE BACK TO YOUR ORIGINAL STATE OF MIND!"

"That's right I am! It took a while to snap out of it...but even as a chibi, I can still be a badass!" Soifon proclaimed, brushing a few strands of hair out of her face.

'She's still really cute as a chibi, though...' Kenpachi thought to himself.

Picking himself up out of the rubble, Mayuri rubbed the large bruise on his cheek and screeched, "YOU...YOU FRICKIN' LITTLE CHIBI! I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON FOR HITTING ME! HERE...DO THESE MATHEMATIC EQUATIONS...AND DIE! COME TO HITHER, SAJIN KOMAMURA!"

Suddenly, a loud roar shook all of Soul Society. Shrieking in fear, Omaeda cried, "OH NO! HE'S SUMMONED KOMAMURA TO KILL US!"

"...Why would Komamura even be working for this crazy bastard in the first place...?" Kenpachi grunted, acting like the straight-man as usual.

Without warning, a small black figure leaped over the wall and landed in front of Mayuri, letting out a low growl. It was Komamura...only he was now a puppy.

'I THOUGHT KOMAMURA WAS A FOX?!'

"OOH! PUPPY! I WANNA PET IT! IT'S SO CUUUUUUUTE! KAWAII!" squealed Soifon as she ran over to give the little doggie a hug.

Kenpachi noticed something odd. "Hey, I thought Soifon wasn't acting like a baby chibi anymore!"

"...She isn't..." Omaeda sighed.

"AWW...SO CUTE!" Soifon cooed as she ran her little chibi fingers over Komamura's head. He liked it so much that he actually sat down and started wagging his tail happily.

Slapping his palm against his face, Mayuri mumbled, "...Maybe I shoulda just fought instead..."

Kenpachi quickly pulled out his sword and held the edge of it near Mayuri's neck. "Listen here, buttmunch. You fix everything and put it all back to normal...or I go crazy. Which would you rather deal with...?"

Mayuri let out a shriek...and lost consciousness. Sighing, Kenpachi stuck his blade back into its sheath.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SO CCCUUUUUUTTE!" Soifon gushed, as she rubbed Komamura's belly.

Reaching down for her, Omaeda said, "Alright, taichou...let's go and return you to normal now-"

Suddenly, a familiar voice from behind exclaimed, "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY...I came here...to see my lovely little Soifon-chaaaaaaan..."

Spinning around, Omaeda was horrorified to see it was Yoruichi...and she was as drunk as a skunk.

'Like usual...' Omaeda thought with a sigh.

Out of nowhere, the song 'Lucky' by Britney Spears began playing in the background. The reason, it turned out, was because chibi Tetsuzaemon Iba and chibi Shuhei Hisagi were trying to act like the Backstreet Boys for some reason. However, they were soon kicked away by an irate Kenpachi.

"I HATE THAT SONG, DAMMIT! PLAY 'TOXIC' INSTEAD...THAT'S BETTER!"

Realizing Yoruichi had arrived, Soifon gasped and cried, "Oh no! I can't let Yoruichi-mama see me like this! Omaeda, you fatass moron, do something quickly...OR I KILL YOU."

"Yeah...but we need to get Mayuri to make the antidote first, AND catch all the other chibified Soul Reapers who are running around!" Omaeda explained in desperation.

Always a step ahead, Kenpachi pulled out a hell butterfly, attached a letter to it, and then sent it flying off over the wall to who-knows-where.

'Hurry soon...mai waifu...'


	3. Chapter 3

_Alright! Now what happens?!_

Omaeda and chibi Soifon were watching nervously as Yoruichi approached them, her stagger becoming rather violent.

"OH NO! OMAEDA...I CAN'T LET YORUICHI-MAMA SEE ME LIKE THIS!" Soifon cried.

"Yes, well," Omaeda replied cautiously, "She seems REALLY drunk...do you think she can even recognize your face in her current state?"

"OF COURSE NOT, YOU IDIOT! BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN SHE'S FINALLY SOBER AGAIN?! WE NEED TO TURN ME BACK TO NORMAL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!" Soifon snapped, slapping Omaeda across the face several times.

"OKAY! OKAY! I JUST GOT CHIBI BITCH-SLAPPED, BUT...HOW ARE WE GONNA FIX THIS?! MAYURI'S OUT COLD!" Omaeda snapped back, pointing at the unconscious mad scientist, who was now foaming at the mouth. When they turned away, however, Mayuri quickly sprung back to his feet, grabbed Nemu by the head, and ran off.

For some reason, though, Kenpachi had a look of amazement on his face. "Wow...this is a really dire situation, huh?" he commented, "I mean, almost everyone has been turned into chibis...except for me and Omaeda. Ha ha ha...how hilarious..."

"STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF AND HELP US FIGURE A WAY OUT OF THIS, THEN!!" Soifon and Omaeda both shouted in annoyance.

By the way, Yoruichi had now collapsed on the floor and was pouring the rest of her sake over her head, giggling away in a crazy fashion.

Clenching her chibi fists, Soifon exclaimed, "Alright, so the first thing we gotta do is get an antidote and turn everyone back to normal! Then...me and Yoruichi-mama can have hot lesbian sex!"

"I WILL SUPPORT THAT PLAN OF YOURS TO THE END." Omaeda proclaimed, saluting his tiny captain.

"...By the way, Mayuri ran off..." Kenpachi pointed out.

"DAMN HIM!" Soifon snarled, "WE'LL DO IT LIKE THIS! ME AND OMEADA WILL GO AFTER MAYURI, AND KENPACHI WILL ROUND UP THE OTHER CHIBI SOUL REAPERS! THAT SOUNDS GOOD...RIGHT?"

"...Don't mean to sound like a grammar perfectionist, but you're supposed to say 'Omaeda and me', not 'me and Omaeda'..."

"OH, PLEASE! AS IF THIS IDIOT DESERVES TO HAVE HIS NAME BEFORE ME IN A SENTENCE! HOW ABSURD!"

'Nobody loves me...' Omaeda thought sadly.

Suddenly, a low rumbling filled the air, and three large motorcycles leaped over the wall and skidded to a stop in front of a rather shocked Omaeda, who pissed his robes out of fear. All three riders wore cool leather jackets and dark helmets that made determining their identities rather difficult. The tallest of the three motorcyclists got off the bike and removed the helmet...revealing herself to be Retsu Unohana.

The other two motorcyclists did the same, and they turned out to be Isane Kotetsu and Hanataro Yamada.

Throwing his hands in the air, Kenpachi exclaimed happily, "HELL YEAH! MAI WAIFU IS HERE!"

"...I told you not to call me that in public, Kenny-kun..." Unohana mumbled, blushing slightly.

"Whoa...I had no idea you guys were motorcycle experts!" Omaeda gasped.

Isane shrugged. "Well, when we need to get somewhere quick, especially if we need to heal serious injuries, we needed some way to get there without a moment's hesitation..."

"But...isn't a motorcycle a bit TOO much? How'd you even get these into Soul Society, anyway?"

"...I HATE YOU."

"WHAT DID I DO, DAMMIT?!"

"Well, it's good to see you guys weren't chibified either!" Kenpachi remarked.

Unohana smiled and replied, "Of course...unlike 98 percent of Soul Society, we're not idiots." After that comment, she flashed an evil glare towards Soifon, but only for a second.

'SHE'S...SHE'S TALKING ABOUT ME?!!' Soifon realized.

"Anyway," Unohana continued, putting back on her helmet, "Let's go round up the chibis, while Omaeda and Soifon go after Mayuri!"

'SHE...SHE EVEN PUT OMAEDA'S NAME BEFORE MINE!' Soifon realized.

"LET'S GO...ALREADY!"

A voice whispered, "...All things in the universe, turn to ashes..."

Suddenly, just as everyone was about to go off, a huge burst of flames erupted from the ground, blocking the corridor entrance. Stepping out of the flames was something none of them had ever hoped to see...

...it was chibi Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryūsai.

"Forgive me," the old man and leader of Soul Society Division 1 grunted, "But I cannot allow any of you to pass."

"OH...MY...GOD!!!"

"S-Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryūsai...why are you of all people turning against us?!! Aren't you a good guy?!" Omaeda cried.

'...He has a really long name!' Soifon realized. She was realizing alot of things today, huh? That's what happens when you're a chibi for such a long period of time.

"BECAUSE," Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryūsai snapped, "I AM FINALLY YOUNG AGAIN!!!"

'YOU JUST BECAME A CHIBI, YOU IDIOT!!!'

...Now what will happen?


	4. Chapter 4

_Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryūsai (we'll just call him Yamamoto, 'kay?) seems to have been blinded by his new chibi-ness. Can Soifon, Omaeda, Kenpachi and the others overcome this sudden new foe?!_

"THIS IS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS! WE SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING AT ALL! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING TOGETHER TO STOP MAYURI'S EVIL PLOT...WHATEVER IT IS!" Omaeda cried.

"As much as I hate to admit it," Soifon remarked, "Omaeda is right. We should be working together, not against each other."

"YOU SAY THAT...AND IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!" Yamamoto snapped, and he unsheathed a long samurai sword covered in burning-hot flames. He swung once, and a huge wave of fire was sent flying towards the group.

Dodging the attack easily due to her short stature, Soifon exclaimed, "I GET IT NOW! MAYURI IS OBVIOUSLY CONTROLLING YAMAMOTO-SENSEI THROUGH HIS CHIBIFIER CHEMICAL CONCOCTION...SOMEHOW! ANYWAY, THIS IS OBVIOUSLY NOT YAMAMOTO-SENSEI'S CHOICE TO ATTACK US!!!"

"That's a nice theory," Omaeda replied, "But I don't know how that'll help us get out of this unscathed!"

"ME NEITHER!"

"ARGH...STOP TRYING TO RUN!!!" Yamamoto screamed, and was about to attack again when a knock-out dart flew out of nowhere and hit him in the neck. The poor chibified old man swayed back and forth for a moment before losing consciousness.

Sticking her rifle back behind her, Unohana remarked, "Hmm...I'm glad I took those sniping lessons all those years ago...hmm hmm..."

"Good job, mai waifu!" Kenpachi exclaimed, giving the 4th Division captain a big thumbs-up.

Nodding, Unohana put back on her helmet and zipped up her leather jacket. "Alright, let's just hurry and fix this whole mess before I have to take a really big shit..."

"Uh...okay."

Kenoachi hopped onto the back of Unohana's motorcycle, and the '4th Division Speed Demons' drove off to round up the rest of the chibified Soul Reapers. Glancing at the unconscious bodies of Yamamoto and Yoruichi, Soifon and Omaeda decided it would be best if they got a move on too.

"Omaeda...?"

"Y-Yes, taichou?"

"...Where are Mayuri's labs located?"

"...I have no idea."

"CRAP! NEITHER DO I!"

Cursing her fate, Soifon fell on her knees and pounded her little chibi fists on the ground over and over. "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!"

"...Do you needz washcloths?" squeaked a small voice from behind.

It was chibi Byakuya Kuchiki...and he was holding out a pair of washcloths!

Taking one of the cloths, Omaeda wiped his face with it and remarked, "Hey, thanks for the washcloth, kid! I'd pay ya, but I'm not THAT stupid...hoh hoh hoh..."

"Yes, you are!" Soifon snapped as she kicked Omaeda in the back of the head.

"I heardz yer problemz," Byakuya said, "I thinkz I can helpz you..."

Leaning over to Soifon, Omaeda whispered, "Hey, taichou...what the fuck is up with his grammar?"

Grabbing her vice-captain by the ear, she pulled him close and screamed loudly, "AS IF I KNOW, YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!!!"

"T-Taichou...you're so cruel..."

Byakuya watched this odd display of affection between them, and then he spoke up, "I can helpz you catch Mayuri-zan. Me and Komamura both have excellent sight and hearing and sense of smell. I will aid yer search!"

"AWESOMESAUCE!" Omaeda exclaimed.

(A/N: Srsly, I'm not really even trying anymore...)

"...Do what you want...freaks..." Soifon sighed.

Tearing off his robes, Byakuya revealed to be wearing a jock-strap. Getting down on all fours, he sniffed the ground for a moment before dashing off. Komamura soon followed after him.

Blinking a few times in confusion, a wide smile formed on Omaeda's big lips. "THAT WAS...JUST TOO COOL!"

Stabbing Omaeda in the knee with one of her knives, Soifon shouted, "YOU DIMWIT! IT WASN'T COOL AT ALL!"

Rolling around in pain, Omaeda bawled, "TAICHOU! WHY ARE YOU MISTREATING ME SO MUCH ALL OF THE SUDDEN!"

"Ah!" For some reason, Soifon seemed to have just realized what she was doing, "Oh...was I beating you up violently?!"

"YES! YES, YOU WERE!" Omaeda screamed.

'Weird...it's just such a natural reaction for me, I don't even notice whenever I beat him up! Oh, well...that's his problem, not mine.' Soifon immediately shrugged off the uncomfortable feeling.

"Let's go." Soifon said, running off in the direction of Byakuya and Komamura.

After pulling the knives out of his knee, Omaeda stood up and thought, 'Damn that bitch! If she wasn't such a cute little chibi, I'd break her neck!...Actually, she'd kill me before I could even get my hands around her. Damn, I suck!'

Omaeda then quickly ran off after his chibi taichou as fast as he could...which wasn't really very fast at all.

However, unbeknownest to them, a dark figure was stalking them...a dark figure with an agenda...

"AGENNNNNNNNDA!"


	5. EMERGENCY ENDING

A/N: Working on this story makes me sad, so I'm doing a shitty rushed ending. ROFL.

* * *

_Meanwhile, with the '4th Division Speed Demons' and Kenpachi..._

With his arms tightly around Unohana's waist as they made a sharp turn, Kenpachi asked, "Tell me something, waifu...how the hell are you so skilled with motorcycles?"

Using her free hand, Unohana reached into her pocket and pulled out a photo. She handed it to Kenpachi and said, "...Look at it."

Kenpachi glanced at the photo; it was of some yankee girl with spiky bleached blood-red hair and a face covered in piercings. She was flipping the middle finger and had a nasty scowl on her lips.

"...Who the hell is this bitch?" Kenpachi asked.

"That was me back in my younger years when I started as a Soul Reaper." Unohana explained.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!!"

"I used to be quite the badass, my teachers said..." Unohana bragged.

'We never knew about that...' Isane and Hanataro both thought at the same time.

"Why'd you stop being so...so awesome?" Kenpachi asked, still unable to believe that the punkish chick in the photo grew up to become a sophisticated and kind woman like Unohana.

Unohana stopped speaking for a moment, and then sighed. "I...I don't want to talk about that."

Suddenly...everything returned to normal. Soifon and the other chibis were once again their original sizes, and Mayuri was defeated with ease. However, Omaeda accidently ate one of the fried rice crackers with the chemical on it, but his fat kept him from turning into a chibi.

"I AM NOT FAT, DAMMIT!"

Then Soifon and Yoruichi had passionate lesbian sex...and then Yoruichi left her again for Urahara.

Now get out of here...and wait until I write something better, okay???


	6. Chibi Girl Song by Soifon and Omaeda

Here, to make it up to all of you for ending this fic so soon:

**_THE CHIBI GIRL SONG (Soifon's version with an unwilling Omaeda):_**

Soifon: I'm a chibi girl in the chibi world  
Life is tiny, it's fantastic  
You can't brush my hair, you can't undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is my creation

Omaeda: Come on, chibi, let's go party

Soifon: I'm a chibi girl in the chibi world  
Life is tiny, it's fantastic  
You can brush my hair, don't undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is my creation

I'm a little tiny girl in a chibi world  
Dress me up, take your time, I'm your chibi

Omaeda: You're my chibi, rock and roll, feel the glamour and pain  
Kiss me here, touch me there, keep lookin' cute

Soifon: You can't touch, you can't play  
You can't say I'm always yours or I'll kill you, oooh whoa

I'm a chibi girl in the chibi world  
Life is tiny, it's fantastic  
I'll make you brush my hair, don't undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is my creation

Omaeda: Come on, chibi, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah  
Come on, chibi, let's go party, oooh, oooh  
Come on, chibi, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah  
Come on, chibi, let's go party, oooh, oooh

Soifon: Walk with me, talk with me, do whatever you please  
I can't jump high, but I can beg on my knees

Omaeda: Come jump in, I'll be my own friend, let's not do it again  
Hit the town, fool around, let's go party

Soifon: You can't touch, you can't play  
You can't say I'm always yours  
You can't touch, you can't play  
You can't say I'm always yours, Or I'll kill you

Omaeda: Come on, chibi, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah  
Come on, chibi, let's go party, oooh, oooh  
Come on, chibi, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah  
Come on, chibi, let's go party, oooh, oooh

Soifon: I'm a chibi girl in the chibi world  
Life is tiny, it's fantastic  
You't can brush my hair, don't undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is my creation

I'm a chibi girl in the chibi world  
Life is tiny, it's fantastic  
You can't brush my hair, don't undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is my creation

Omaeda: Come on, chibi, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah  
Come on, chibi, let's go party, oooh, oooh  
Come on, chibi, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah  
Come on, chibi, let's go party, oooh, oooh

--

When they were finished...

'She sure is conceited, huh?' Omaeda thought with a sigh, hoping he would never have to do something like this again.


	7. My Soul Society of Whatever by Byakuya

Just had to do another one of these (I'll probably end up doing another one later):

**_MY SOUL SOCIETY OF WHATEVER (sung by Byakuya Kuchiki):_**

I went down to the prison cells and saw Rukia  
She was, like, all "ehhhh"  
And I was, like, "whatever!"

Then Orihime comes up to me and she's all, like,  
"Hey, aren't you that dude?"  
And I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"

So later I'm at the pool hall  
And Matsumoto comes up  
And she's, like, "awww"  
And I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"

Cuz this is my  
Soul Society of Whatever!  
And this is my  
Soul Society of Whatever!  
And this is my  
Soul Society of Whatever!

And then it's three A.M.  
And I'm on the corner, wearing my funky-fresh robes,  
This Hollow comes up and he's, like, "hey, punk!"  
I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"

Then I'm having a sword fight with my buddies,  
Officer Yamamoto comes up and is, like,  
"Hey, I thought I told you..."  
And I'm, like, "yeah, whatever!"

And then up comes Renji  
I'm, like, "yo, Renji. What's up?"  
He's, like, "nothin'"  
And I'm, like, "that's cool."

Cuz this is my  
Soul Society of Whatever!  
And this is my  
Soul Society of Whatever!


	8. Pretty Fly For A Bald Guy By Ikkaku

Again...?!

--

PRETTY FLY FOR A BALD GUY (SUNG BY IKKAKU MADARAME FEAT. YUMICHIKA AND THE ARRANCAR):

Yumichika: Give it to me baldy,

Ikkaku: uh huh, uh huh

Yumichika: Give it to me baldy,

Ikkaku: uh huh, uh huh

Yumichika: Give it to me baldy,

Ikkaku: uh huh, uh huh

Ikkaku: And all the Soul Reapers say I'm pretty fly for a bald guy!

The Arrancar: Uno dos tres cuatro cinco cinco seis!

You know its kinda hard just to get along today  
His Bankai isn't cool, but he thinks it anyway  
He may sorta have a clue, and but he don't do much  
But everything he lacks, well he makes up in a fight  
So don't deflate, swing it straight  
You know he really doesn't hit it anyway  
Gonna play the field, keep it dead  
For you know a way, for you know a way  
So if you don't break, just over-work yourself  
At least you know you can always go on Soul TV  
The world needs bald guys like you  
Hey, hey, unleash that brand new Bankai thing!

Yumichika: Give it to me baldy,

Ikkaku: uh huh, uh huh

Yumichika: Give it to me baldy,

Ikkaku: uh huh, uh huh

Yumichika: Give it to me baldy,

Ikkaku: uh huh, uh huh

Ikkaku: And all the Soul Reapers say I'm pretty fly for a bald guy!

He needs some cool robes, not just any will suffice  
But they didn't have 'em in white so he bought dirty black  
Now cruising through the sky, he sees a Hollow as he pass  
But if it looks twice, he's gonna kick its lilly ass!  
So don't deflate, swing it straight  
You know he really doesn't hit it anyway  
Gonna play the field, keep it dead  
For you know a way, for you know a way  
So if you don't break, just over-work yourself  
At least you know you can always go on Soul TV  
The world loves bald guys like you!  
Hey, hey, do that Bankai thing!  
Now he's getting a tattoo yeah, he's getting ink done  
He asks for a 11, but they drew a 7  
Kenpachi says he's trying too hard and he's not quite hip  
But in his own mind he's the, he's the dopest trick

Yumichika: Give it to me baldy,

Ikkaku: uh huh, uh huh

Yumichika: Give it to me baldy,

Ikkaku: uh huh, uh huh

Yumichika: Give it to me baldy,

Ikkaku: uh huh, uh huh

Ikkaku: And all the Soul Reapers say I'm pretty fly for a bald guy!

The Arrancar: Uno dos tres cuatro cinco cinco seis!

So don't deflate, swing it straight  
You know he really doesn't hit it anyway  
Gonna play the field, keep it dead  
For you know a way, for you know a way  
So if you don't break, just over-work yourself  
At least you know you can always go on Soul TV  
The world needs bald guys like you  
The world loves bald guys like you  
Let's get some more bald guys like you  
Hey, hey, do the brand new Bankai thing!


	9. Who Ya Gonna Call? Soul Reapers!

Parody of 'Ghost Busters':

**_WHO YA GONNA CALL?! SOUL REAPERS!:_**

If there's something strange in Ichigo's neighborhood  
Who you gonna call?  
Soul Reapers!  
If there's something weird and it don't look good  
Who you gonna call?  
Soul Reapers!

I ain't afraid of no Hollow  
I ain't afraid of no Hollow

If you're seeing things ramming through your head  
Who can you call?  
Soul Reapers!  
An invisible Arrancar sleeping over your bed  
Oh, who you gonna call?  
Soul Reapers!

I ain't afraid of no Hollow  
I ain't afraid of no Hollow

Who you gonna call?  
Soul Reapers!  
If you're all alone, pick up the phone  
And call  
Soul Reapers!

I ain't afraid of no Hollow  
I hear they like the boys  
I ain't afraid of no Hollow  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Who you gonna call?  
Soul Reapers!  
If you're losing a fight to a freaky Hollow  
You'd better call  
Soul Reapers!

Let me tell you something  
Bustin' makes Kenpachi feel good

I ain't afraid of no Hollow  
I ain't afraid of no Hollow

Don't get caught in the zone, oh no  
Soul Reapers!  
When it comes through your door  
Unless you just want some more  
I think you better call  
Soul Reapers!  
Ow!

Who you gonna call  
Soul Reapers!

{Repeat to fade)


	10. Chapter 5 preview

FUCK...I'M CONTINUING TO PLEASE ALL OF YOU, SO IF YOU DON'T REVIEW OR AT LEAST FORGIVE ME OR SOMETHING, I WON'T CONTINUE IT ANYMORE AND I'LL KILL MYSELF. I HAVE IT ALL PLANNED OUT. I'LL COMMIT SEPPUKU!!

Also, if you think it seems kinda OOC...THEN IT'S PART OF THE JOKE. O__O

* * *

Chibi-Soifon attempts to hold up an important sign, but she can't reach the camera, so Omaeda holds her up.

"PLEASE IGNORE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN CHAPTER 5 AS OF NOW"

Everyone in the crowd went 'aww' at how cute little Soifon-chan was...until she spat acid venom in one poor guy's eyes.

Then, Omaeda tossed her over his shoulder and walked off to get some fried rice crackers...

* * *

_In Soul Society area F-U..._

"...What does this thing do??" Chibi-Hitsugaya asked, holding up long plastic condom he had found in the trash.

Peering at it for a moment, Chibi-Rangiku replied, "...I think it's a hat. Try it on!"

Chibi-Hitsugaya did so, and he started rolling around on the floor in pain, gasping for breath.

Watching from behind the corner, Kenpachi grunted, "That's weird...I thought they didn't really lose their intelligence when they became chibified..."

Unohana sighed. "They didn't..."

"OH. But I thought Hitsugaya was smart-"

"LET'S JUST FOCUS ON CATCHING THEM, OKAY?!"

Kenpachi pulled out a pokeball from his pocket. "Waaay ahead of ya..."

"OH MY GOD, HE'S TURNING BLUE!!" Chibi-Hinamori squeaked as she tried to pull the condom off poor Chibi-Hitsugaya's head.

"WA HA HA HAAH! SO BE IT! I'M THE PRINCE OF WHALES!!" Rangiku chuckled, already completely drunk after a single swig of her chibi-sake bottle.


	11. Chapter 5

FUCK...I'M CONTINUING TO PLEASE ALL OF YOU, SO IF YOU DON'T REVIEW OR AT LEAST FORGIVE ME OR SOMETHING, I WON'T CONTINUE IT ANYMORE AND I'LL KILL MYSELF. I HAVE IT ALL PLANNED OUT. I'LL COMMIT SEPPUKU!!

Also, if you think it seems kinda OOC...THEN IT'S PART OF THE JOKE. O__O

If it's not that funny, then I apologize. I'm trying to keep it in character as well as utterly fail at doing so at the same time. It's alot more difficult than writing random humor fics like Dragon Ball C and Pineapple Panic, okay??

* * *

Chibi-Soifon attempts to hold up an important sign, but she can't reach the camera, so Omaeda holds her up.

"PLEASE IGNORE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN CHAPTER 5 AS OF NOW"

Everyone in the crowd went 'aww' at how cute little Soifon-chan was...until she spat acid venom in one poor guy's eyes.

Then, Omaeda tossed her over his shoulder and walked off to get some fried rice crackers...

* * *

_In Soul Society area F-U..._

"...What does this thing do??" Chibi-Hitsugaya asked, holding up long plastic condom he had found in the trash.

Peering at it for a moment, Chibi-Rangiku replied, "...I think it's a hat. Try it on!"

Chibi-Hitsugaya did so, and he started rolling around on the floor in pain, gasping for breath.

Watching from behind the corner, Kenpachi grunted, "That's weird...I thought they didn't really lose their intelligence when they became chibified..."

Unohana sighed. "They didn't..."

"OH. But I thought Hitsugaya was smart-"

"LET'S JUST FOCUS ON CATCHING THEM, OKAY?!"

Kenpachi pulled out a pokeball from his pocket. "Waaay ahead of ya..."

"OH MY GOD, HE'S TURNING BLUE!!" Chibi-Hinamori squeaked as she tried to pull the condom off poor Chibi-Hitsugaya's head, "PLEASE DON'T DIE, SHIRO-CHAN!!"

"WA HA HA HAAH! SO BE IT! I'M THE PRINCE OF WHALES!!" Chibi-Rangiku chuckled, already completely drunk after a single swig of her chibi-sake bottle.

Pulling out a small book entitled 'HOW TO CATCH CHIBIS PART 1', Unohana flipped it open and skimmed the pages.

"Will that thing really have the info we're looking for...?" Kenpachi asked sceptically.

"It's never failed me once!" Unohana replied.

'...It's about catching chibis, though...'

Finally, Unohana stopped and said, "It says here...ah! We should be wise and sacrifice the most useless person on our team; good luck, Hanatarou-kun!"

"YOU CAN DO IT, HANATAROU-KUN!" Isane exclaimed.

Surprisingly enough, Hanatarou did not question his oddly-placed fate, and he stepped out to face the three squabbling chibis.

"THANK THE BANKAI! I'M SAVED!!" Chibi-Hitsugaya cried, gasping for air after Chibi-Hinamori finally managed to get the condom off.

'Wow,' Hanatarou thought to himself with a little smirk, 'I never thought I'd see the day when Hitsugaya-taichou is even SMALLER than normal! Heh heh...it's kinda cute, actually...'

Noticing the smirk on Hanatarou's lips, Chibi-Hitsugaya stood up and snapped, "HEY, BUDDY, ARE YOU LAUGHING AT MY NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE?! ARE YOU?! ARE YOU?! HUUUUUH?!!"

"Uh...not really..." Hanatarou replied.

"YOU ARE THE MAN WHO STOLE MY PUDDING, RIGHT?! I'LL KILL YOU, BITCH!!!" Chibi-Rangiku roared, so drunk that she was pouring the alcohol onto her tiny breasts instead of into her mouth.

Before Hanatarou knew it, he was knocked to the ground by a powerful flying kick from Chibi-Hitsugaya. Once he hit the ground, Hanatarou tried to get back to his feet, but Chibi-Hitsugaya jumped on top of him and began smacking him in the face with the hilt of his little sword.

"YEAH! KICK 'EM TO THE CURB, TAICHOU!!" Chibi-Rangiku cheered.

"Be careful, Shiro-chan!" Chibi-Hinamori warned.

"DON'T...LAUGH...AT...ME!!!"

"I-I wasn't l-laughing! I swear!" Hanatarou really was a pitiful young man.

Kenpachi winced as he watched this violent scene unfold. "Shouldn't we...shouldn't we help him or something?" he asked Unohana.

Unohana remained silent.

"MAI WAIFU!"

"...I have an idea," Unohana replied, and she stepped out to confront the three chibis this time.

Glancing up from poor Hanatarou's battered face, Chibi-Hitsugaya gasped, "Ah! Your motherly aura...it's...it's so immense, I feel like doing the dishes and cleaning up my room just from staring at you!"

Suddenly, with a sweet smile, Unohana raised her arms over her face. After a moment, she swung them back to her sides, and her expression had become demonic and fierce. Not only that, but her 'motherly aura' now gave off a powerful blood lust that could kill small animals if they came too close.

"GET OFF OF HIM...NOW." she barked, her voice practically sending powerful shock waves throughout Soul Society.

Chibi-Hitsugaya shrieked, and he quickly jumped behind Chibi-Hinamori out of fear.

"And you," Unohana snarled at Chibi-Rangiku, "How dare you consume vast amounts of alcohol so freely like that! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!"

Chibi-Rangiku froze on the spot, and her sake bottle shattered to pieces as it hit the ground.

Kenpachi was in complete and utter awe. "Since...when the hell...was Unohana able to do that...?"

Isane gasped and explained, "I just remembered! When I first met Unohana-taichou back in the Soul Reaper Academy, she was known as 'The Red Panther of The Violet Sea'!"

"...What does that mean?"

"I don't know, but she was an incredibly powerful force! She had spiky bleached hair the color of blood, and she used a wooden sword to smack people around before getting her zanpakutou! She even struck fear into the hearts of some of her teachers, too!"

Kenpachi, however, didn't believe his ears. "Yeah, right!"

Reaching into her pocket, Isane handed him a photo. "Look...here's a photo of her when she was still just a student..."

In the photo was a young thin woman with piercings all over her face, nose, ears, and even her tongue as she flipped the middle finger towards the camera. She also had a huge mess of spiky blood-red hair growing out of her head. At the bottom of the photo was the name 'RETSU UNOHANA'.

'OH MY GOD, IT REALLY IS HER!!!' Kenpachi was speechless.

"I did it!" Unohana announced, dragging all three chibis together in a large net. Hanatarou soon followed, bloody and beaten. He was starting to think that maybe he should have just joined with 11th Division instead; it actually seemed safer than this crap he was being put through.

'IF I HAD A HAMMER-'

"Alright, we rounded these guys up," Kenpachi said, "Now what do we do?"

Suddenly, a voice from behind exclaimed, "I'LL ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR YOU!!"

Gasping, everyone spun around to see who it was...


End file.
